Great Tips for Life.....

Here's some great advice y'all.......

30 TIPS FOR LIFE:

 

·         never play leapfrog with a unicorn

·         never tell a zombie he looks like death warmed over

·         never trust a man with two eye patches

·         never drink prune juice when traveling to the Land of No TP

·         always drink from the side of the glass nearest your lips

·         never go cliff diving with a guy named Cliff -- it's just too many cliffs

·         never play poker with a guy named Ace... or Lucky

·         never ride on an elevator with a guy known as Stinky

·         never bet on a horse named Tripod

·         if you don't know.... shut your trap

·         make sure you keep the tube of toothpaste and the tube of Preparation H on separate sides of the medicine cabinet

·         be careful about who you offend on the way up;  you may meet them again on the way down

·         if you love Chinese food but you're trying to diet, eat as much as you want but use only 1 chopstick

·         carry a few mice around in your pockets when you go out;  then the next time an elephant picks you up, show him the mice;  he will probably set you down immediately and you will be free to walk away

·         keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out

·         if you can't beat them, join them.... then beat them

·         people who live in glass houses...should get dressed with the lights off

·         when in doubt.... mumble

·         beware the McNugget

·         do not eat yellow snow

·         "knowledge" is knowing a tomato is a fruit;  "wisdom" is not putting that tomato in a fruit salad

·         if your house is flooding, don't worry about your pet fish

·         be sure to protect your USB devices from PC-venereal diseases

·         don't put more foot in your mouth than you can swallow

·         use a permanent marker to put a big "X" on the bottom (inside) of your favorite coffee mug.  Next time you have a drink, you'll be able to see when you reach the bottom and need a refill, as the X will magically appear

·         always drink upstream from the herd

·         never pet a burning dog

·         there is no safe way to operate a weed-wacker while in the nude

·         hope for the best;  prepare for the worst;  gracefully and gratefully take what comes

·         teach your children well

 

AND A COUPLE RANDOM FACTS

·         people named Bob are prone to spelling their name backwards by mistake

·         duct tape is like the Force:  it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together

·         contrary to popular belief, toilet paper was not invented by Mr. Charmin or Mrs. Angelsoft

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Take care......

Matt