2015 Bold Predictions
Rex Huppke from the Chicago Tribune has been extremely generous to share his collection of very bold (and hilarious) predictions for 2015.
It's gonna be a great year!
Out for now......
Matt
•After years of putting up with our stupid questions — Where's the nearest Starbucks? How many ounces in a gallon? Are my shoes tied? — our phones will become sentient and start doing everything for us. They will place us in protective cases and carry us around, taking us out and staring at us whenever they don't want to speak to other phones.
•Marijuana will be legalized nationwide, Apple will launch the iBong and McDonald's will revolutionize the fast-food industry with the introduction of the Doob Burger, a marijuana/quinoa patty served between two bags of Cheetos. Easy access to pot will make the fact that we're all being carried around by our phones seem less weird.
•Fox News will be outraged by something.
•MSNBC will be outraged by Fox News' outrage.
•Fox News will be double-dog-outraged by MSNBC's outrage outrage.
•CNN will spend months reporting on how Wolf Blitzer got sucked into the network's hologram machine and ceased to exist in our mortal plane. The coverage will be a huge hit among people who smoke pot, which will be everyone.
•Kanye West will become lost in his own eyes.
•Public opinion polling will become obsolete after a Pew Research Center study finds that 99 percent of Americans would rather get hit in the head with a shortfin mako shark than hear about another stupid opinion poll. (The other 1 percent would prefer to be eaten by the mako shark.)
•Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush will announce his plans to run for the presidency in 2016.
•Former President Bill Clinton will begin shopping for drapes for the White House.
•President Barack Obama will say that he thinks Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas should run for president in 2016, forcing Cruz to denounce himself and stage a marathon 43-hour speech on the Senate floor demanding the immediate resignation of Ted Cruz.
•Millennials will die off in what will become known as the Selfie Stick War of 2015. It will start in major city centers, where young people carrying selfie sticks — telescoping metal poles that hold a phone and allow the user to take selfies — will begin jostling for space, soon using the sticks as weapons to defend their "selfie space." Social media will be flooded with photos of grinning 20-somethings standing over the bodies of their slain foes. Their parents will simply say, "We love you and we're proud of you no matter what happens. Call us if you need money."
•North Korea will hack into all of America's iBongs, seizing control of the nation's finances and bringing the country to its knees. Americans will respond by laughing uncontrollably at something stupid and then going out for Doob Burgers, leaving their phones to deal with the North Koreans.
read his full article: http://my.chicagotribune.com/#section/-1/article/p2p-82350064/
