10 In 7 Out
Big debate on Thursday night.
10 MADE IT IN: Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie, John Kasich
7 ARE SITTING THIS ONE OUT: Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, Jim Gilmore
A hilarious breakdown of the debaters written by Rex Huppke of the Chicago Tribune:
Donald Trump (Nickname: Angry von Shoutsalot): Unpredictable and acerbic, this candidate has the potential to overturn the GOP's apple cart by offending every voter in America and in every country in the world. He has received foreign policy advice from Sarah Palin, who let him look at Russia from her backyard, and promises to fill his Cabinet with "guys like Donny, this guy I know, he's one of the best at negotiating, nobody's better, he'll get the job done, we'll make so much money."
Jeb Bush (Nickname: The Guy Who Will Actually Get the Nomination): Calm and reasonable, this legacy candidate has the money and experience to go the distance. He has expressed compassion toward immigrants, which could hurt him in the primary, but he can easily fix that gaffe by promising to take away people's health care.
Scott Walker (Nickname: Great Clips): Considered one of the toughest guys to ever wear khakis, this candidate is beloved by conservatives for standing up to unions in Wisconsin while having the balls to ride around on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle made by unionized workers. He refuses to say whether President Barack Obama is a Christian, giving him huge credibility among the growing "ignoramus" demographic.
Mike Huckabee (Nickname: Gravy): Rumored to have once beaten Dan Rather in a colloquial-off, this guns-and-grits loving former governor recently indicated he would consider using federal troops to stop women from having abortions, turning the War on Women from a meme into an actual thing. He has played bass guitar with Ted Nugent and, presumably, other horrible people.
Ben Carson (Nickname: The Hyperbolator): A brain surgeon and the main nonpolitician in the race, this candidate is beloved in conservative circles for saying that Obamacare is "the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery." He is also quick with a Nazi reference, a skill that will prove valuable in this hyperbolic clash.
Ted Cruz (Nickname: Gun Meat Idiot): Known most for his ability to shut down the government to keep people from forgetting who Ted Cruz is, this candidate is well funded by people who enjoy wasting money and has a smirk that can cause instantaneous vomiting.
Marco Rubio (Nickname: Thirsty): Famous for giving a GOP rebuttal to one of Obama's State of the Union addresses while drinking an entire aquarium full of water, this candidate is the most likely to use Trump's hair as a sweat towel during the debate.
Rand Paul (Nickname: Curly): This candidate, if elected, would do away with the office of the presidency and convert U.S. currency to a system based on squirrel pelts and grain. He offers the best opportunity for viewers to step out of the room during the debate and use the restroom.
Chris Christie (Nickname: Bridge to Nowhere): Once considered a strong contender, this candidate has seen his national reputation slip because, while the GOP base loves yelling, they don't like the way Christie yells. It could be a Jersey thing. Of all candidates on the stage, however, he is the most likely to beat the crap out of Trump, which would make him appealing to Democrats.
John Kasich (Nickname: The One from Ohio): Nobody outside of Ohio actually knows who this candidate is, and some in Ohio are fairly certain he's a backup point guard on the Cleveland Cavaliers. He's not good at yelling and will likely leave halfway through the debate without anyone noticing.
What great stuff. And much of it pretty close to spot-on.
Out for now......
Matt
