I wish someone from United would get my kids up in the mornings @WhaJoTalkinBout
Seeded grapes are perfect for when you want someone to have grapes but also you hate them @AndrewNadeau0
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns @Gooooats
If it's so normal and well-intended, why don't men tell other men to smile? @curlycomedy
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said "unexpected item in bagging area" @jackiembouvier
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that Operation game was clearly wide awake? @CleoZevach3000
What kind of psychopath works on the railroad all the live long day just to pass the time away? @GianDoh
Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present @thenatewolf
Aliens in 2017: "Take us to anyone but your leader." @nedostup
You can tell you're a guy with too many ponytails if you have one ponytail @ZackBornstein
The scariest part about U.S. tensions with North Korea is the unpredictable narcissistic leader with nukes. I also worry about Kim Jong-un @GianDoh
Told my kids the tooth fairy broke a leg in a messy bedroom recently and is now afraid of clutter. That should buy me at least an extra day @MarianneLilly4
Don't think of it as "rolling back environmental protection & destroying the earth" Think of it as "creating respiratory therapy jobs"! @AmishPornStar1
The situation in Syria is incredibly complex, but if anyone can unravel it, it's a reality TV host who lost money running a casino. @OwensDamien
(compiled by Eric Zorn, Chicago Tribune)
Really got a chuckle outta a couple of those...... especially the ponytail and bathing suit ones.
Out for now........
Matt