As previously stated here on MattChat, I love Christmas music. Each year, it's always such an exciting joy for me to dig out the box of Christmas CD's and start playing them. This year, I started playing exceptionally early. Way early. Like before Halloween early.
As previously stated here on MattChat, I hate the status of politics in the U.S. today. Really hate. Like hate-with-a-passion hate. A bunch of lying baffoons who are only out to serve themselves, their friends, and special interest groups. Serving America isn't high on their list. Politics has become self-serving, inefficient and misguided. I hate to see our country suffering.
All that said.... love Christmas music, hate American politics.... I found something really awesome today.
What follows below is a writing by a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.
It's awesome. Enjoy.
Out for now.....
Matt
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'Tis the Season to be Ideologically Pure
Rex Huppke
As any Biblical scholar will tell you, Christmas carols are meaningful only if their lyrics align perfectly with the singer's ideology.
If you attempt to sing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" without a heartfelt belief that reindeer have a God-given right to trample the elderly, the words undoubtedly ring hollow.
So I was surprised last week to see the greeting card company Hallmark in trouble for making a sweater-shaped ornament adorned with the words: "Don we now our FUN apparel!"
The actual Christmas carol lyrics are: "Don we now our gay apparel." Hallmark officials said they were trying to make the words more current, but liberals and conservatives both took umbrage.
Conservatives felt changing "gay" to "fun" was an example of political correctness run amok, and the only thing worse for a conservative than amok-running political correctness is gay people co-opting the festive word "gay."
Liberals suspected Hallmark was having a homophobic reaction to the word "gay," presuming, I suppose, that the company was guilty of catering to the coveted "bigoted ornament purchaser" demographic.
Regardless of which side was right — and because we live in a politically polarized country, I'll assume both were right — Hallmark did us a great service by drawing attention to the ideological impurity of many Christmas songs.
To right this wrong, I assembled the lyrics to some of the more popular Christmas carols and scoured them for words or phrases that might be offensive to liberals or conservatives.
Here are the results, along with recommendations to make sure our holiday songs pair nicely with each person's politics.
For liberals:
The song "Deck the Halls," which contains the aforementioned gay apparel reference, has another problematic phrase: "See the blazing yule before us." That refers to a large log, usually burned in a fireplace on Christmas Eve. This raises concerns over carbon emissions and deforestation. The lyric should read: "See the blazing hi-def fireplace iPad app before us."
In "A Holly Jolly Christmas," the lyrics refer to "the best time of the year." This is potentially offensive to other times of the year and should be changed to: "a time of year that's equally as good as any other."
The classic "White Christmas" is, of course, completely racist and must be banished entirely from liberal holiday songbooks.
"Frosty the Snowman" is a nearly flawless carol, aside from the nettlesome fact that his eyes are "made out of coal." More environmentally friendly eyes are in order, preferably "eyes made out of locally grown edamame soybeans."
The line from "The Christmas Song" that refers to "folks dressed up like Eskimos" may be insulting to indigenous peoples and should be generalized to: "folks dressed up in culturally authentic regional garb."
For conservatives:
The classic "Here Comes Santa Claus" contains the phrase: "He doesn't care if you're rich or poor, he loves you just the same." That clearly does not encourage American exceptionalism and should be changed to: "He only cares that you lift yourself up by the bootstraps without governmental assistance."
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" does not reflect decent family values and should be thrown on the yule log. (Yule log is fine for conservative carols.)
"Feliz Navidad" is a wonderful tune, but it must be sung ONLY in English.
While well-intentioned, "Joy to the World" makes America sound weak on foreign policy. It should be tweaked to read: "Joy to America and to Any Other Country That Does Not Present a Threat to Our Safety and Sovereignty."
Finally, in "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the bearded man from the North Pole is "making a list and checking it twice." That sounds too much like centralized government picking winners and losers. The preferred phrasing would be: "He's allowing the free market to decide who is worthy."
A couple of other songs might be of concern to both liberals and conservatives.
"Winter Wonderland" refers to a snowman called "Parson Brown." The liberal version should include a nondenominational justice of the peace who could be either a snowman or snowwoman. Conservatives should opt for an evangelical Christian snowman. Also, liberals need the song to make clear that the marriage in question is available to opposite- or same-sex couples, while conservatives must assert that meadow marriages are only between a man and a woman.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas," for liberals, creates problems with the gender-demeaning "maids a-milking" and "ladies dancing," along with "geese a-laying," which hints at animals living in confinement.
For conservatives, the song presents only one problem: Who the heck would celebrate Christmas with "French" hens?