Asian Destructo Hell-carp

One of these days, I want to find someone with a boat who can take me out on the Illinois River to experience this:

Flying fish.

Asian carp to be specific.

Absolutely incredible train wreck these things have already become.... and soon will become in the Great Lakes.

An utter disaster.

But very very seldom does man win the battle with nature.

Anyway, there was a hilarious editorial in the Chicago Tribune for April Fools Day about Asian Carp (and other fishies) that was one for the ages.

I've copied it below.  Enjoy.

Out for now.....

Matt

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Rename the Asian Carp?  Why Should We Stop There?

By Rex W. Huppke

April 1, 2014

Government officials in the Canadian suburb of Minnesota have decided that Asian carp — the invasive freshwater fish that threatens ecosystems across the Midwest — should no longer be called Asian carp.

My hope was that these Minnesota lawmakers wanted to give the fish a more awesome and malevolent-sounding name, like "Asian Destructo Hell-carp." But it turns out their goal is to remove the word "Asian" from the name out of concern that it might reflect negatively on the Asian community.

According to The Associated Press, Democratic state Sen. John Hoffman has sponsored a bill that would rebrand Asian carp as "invasive carp." The senator claims that some members of the Asian community have complained that the carp's name makes it sound like Asian people are invasive.

I was fully prepared to make fun of this act of piscatorial correctness and to note that the carp in question is called an Asian carp because it is native to Asia, not because some dude thought it would be funny to mock Asian people by naming a problematic fish after them.

But then I saw what happened to Stephen Colbert late last week. In case you missed it, here's a quick rundown:

Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins, has been under considerable pressure to change his football team's name, as many Native Americans consider "redskin" a slur. This I completely understand — that name is legitimately offensive and should be changed.

Snyder, however, disagrees, and he attempted to quiet the controversy by creating the oddly named Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation and handing out 3,000 winter coats to people on several reservations.

Colbert, and just about everyone else, found this disingenuous, and so the comedian attacked Snyder with satire. Referencing an over-the-top Asian caricature he has portrayed many times on "The Colbert Report," Colbert said: "I am willing to show the Asian community that I care — by introducing the Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever … and I owe all this sensitivity to Redskins owner Dan Snyder."

In context during the show, the bit made sense and there was no negative reaction. But after that line was tweeted by a Comedy Central account — completely out of context — many took offense and launched a campaign under the hashtag #CancelColbert.

There's no way I'm going down that road. Rather than satirize the Minnesota Legislature's attempt to de-Asianize the loathsome formerly Asian carp, I'm opting to abandon my principles and hop on the bandwagon. (No offense to people physically incapable of hopping.)

The big question I have as a new member of "Political Correctness Police: Aquatic Division" is: Why stop at carp?

I did some research, and this country has a serious problem with offensive fish names, provided you take those names and find a way to make them offensive.

Consider the European flounder. Flounder are known bottom feeders, and that seems insulting to our European allies. Are we implying — via flounder — that people like the French and British are lowlife underachievers? That's distasteful. The fish should be immediately renamed "personal injury lawyer flounder."

And what about the Japanese eel? In dream interpretations, the eel is said to represent a phallic symbol with erotic connotations. Can you imagine how objectifying this must be to our Japanese brothers and sisters? It would be far more appropriate to refer to the serpent as an "immoral dream eel."

And don't even get me started on the Mexican blind cave fish. That's offensive to Mexican-Americans, the visually impaired and, in all likelihood, caves. Let's just play it safe and call it a fish.

As you can see, we've got our work cut out for us. There's a spangled darter named after President Barack Obama (Etheostomaobama), which is deeply offensive to conservatives. And a fish called a sarcasticfringehead, which is offensive to sarcasticfringeheads like myself and is also just utterly ridiculous.

So keep up the important work, Minnesotans. Get that Asian carp renamed before it can hurt anyone else.

And while you're at it, you might want to give some thought to renaming your NFL franchise, the Vikings. Anyone with a shred of decency knows they prefer to be called "Norse-Americans."